Don't forget the second-time Mums!

So I’m a little late to the party and I’ve just found out it’s ‘National Mothering Week’

So in light of supporting other Mummas, I’m going to steer away from physio for this blog, because I want to do a little shout out of support to second-time Mums.

Because I feel like we kinda get lost in the mix.

I’ve talked a little about my experience as a first-time Mum in a previous blog post. Mainly about me being pretty dang anxious. But I didn’t really go into how supported I felt after I became a Mum for the first time. And I really did. Not only by my lovely husband, but by everyone around me.

First time Mummas, of course, need all the support and love they can get. The transition from woman to mother is incredible and scary and completely life-changing.

You often feel lost at sea as a new mum: sometimes it’s calm and you can float in the love bubble of your new-born, but other times it’s stormy; the waves are ginormous and all you can do is keep kicking those little legs to keep from going under.....and then, whether it be a few hours, days or weeks later... it’s blue skies and rainbows again.... I kinda feel like that’s motherhood in general.

Feeling all those emotions for the first time, as a new mum.... well it’s crazy, and you NEED to have loads of people around you so someone can throw you a life-jacket if you need it. And generally, they’re right there. Quick as a flash. Health professionals, online support, your family and friends, mother’s groups. All there to hold your hand and help you navigate through the journey of becoming a mum.

Everyone’s on high alert, making sure ‘new mum’ is doing ok. And that’s how it should be. Because all the ‘old mums’ know how tough it can be.

But second time around? Well let’s just say that things were a little different from day one.

First time? Mid-wives in every hour, you basically had to fight your way through the sea of flowers and teddy bears to get to us, we had people waiting in line outside the hospital doors to meet the new baby, and his Nono flew in for the DAY to meet his first grandchild. After the hospital stint, my Mum and all my friends were there on my doorstep to bring flowers and meals and to cuddle the baby and pat my back and ask if I was ok.

3 months in and the posty actually asked me what the hell was going on when the gift parcels hadn’t slowed down. I had random old ladies knitting jumpers and booties, my mother’s group was amazing (I had an instant support group there). And everyone asked about the new baby. Daily.

After Alfie?

I think I was lucky to have a mid-wife in once a day in the hospital, we had about 3 hospital visitors, my husband felt so bad about the ZERO flowers we received that he went and bought some for me himself, Nono was away in Antarctica, and I think Alfie got 5 presents in the mail. 

Now I didn’t actually really care about this bit. I totally get it and I thought it was kind of funny. Everyone else had bigger families by then too, many of my Mum friends were now back at work, Alfie definitely did not need presents (especially being the second boy) flowers are lovely but unnecessary, and I’d done it all before, so the mid-wives assumed I would be fine.

Plus everyone is kind of just less excited about you having a second baby…..and I guess it’s simply because you’re already a Mum. You’ve already transitioned from a normal everyday girl to this super-woman you never even knew existed. You’ve already transformed from caterpillar to butterfly. You already know about the heart bursting out-of-this-world-new-love. About the sleepless nights and the teething and the terrible twos and the first time they wrap their little arms around your neck and say ‘I love you’. You’re already in the club. You can’t get a re-entry ticket. It’s a lock-in. Once you’re in you’re in. Next!

And I was fine. I really was. I loved the hospital stay with Alfie and the newborn bubble. We were outside going for walks on day 1, feeding was great, my pain levels were fine, and Fraser was happy trotting in and out daily with my Mum, meeting his new brother, getting lots of attention from Nanny...... and I really was excited to get home and start this life as a family of four. Easy peasy. I have done this before. It’s like riding a bike….right?

But the year ahead.... well it was actually so much tougher than I expected. Alfie was a really tricky sleeper. And he cried. A lot. In the car, and in the pram especially. Just when I needed to get out of the house to breathe. Fraser also cried. A lot. He was sad and jealous of his new brother and my heart felt so torn ALL the time. I felt so sad I couldn’t give him the attention I used to, but equally, I felt sad I couldn’t give Alfie the attention I used to give Fraser.

I didn’t know what to do when I had both of my boys desperately needing me at the same time. I would end up in the double-cuddle hold like in the photo here all the time. And though it looks lovely, what I was feeling at the time was just really overwhelmed.

So though I had much more confidence in myself as a mother of a baby the second time around, I really lost confidence in myself as a mother to my big boy. I didn’t know how to be a mum to two little souls. My heart had swelled to twice the size, but it also broke a lot more after Alfie.

And I felt like I should’ve been good at this the second time around, so I didn’t ask for help like I did after Fraser.

Of course, like these stories often go, it got easier. It always does with babies right? Alfie is 15 months now. He SLEEPS. He’s adorable. He’s walking and starting to talk, he’s cheeky and funny and loves his big brother so much, it’s hard for Fraser not to love him back.

I find myself dreaming about a third baby more and more.... (nature has an uncanny way of making you forget the hard stuff so you’ll continue to breed right!?) and my bestie Kel who has FOUR kids says it’s way easier the third (and fourth?!) time around. What’s another kid in the mix? You just get used to sharing your love around, and you get much more used to chaos! Apparently.

But today.

I just want to say to any second-time mum struggling out there, you’re not alone. You don’t have to feel like you should be doing better ‘because you’ve done this before’. Because you haven’t. This IS your first time. Your first time at trying to share yourself between two little souls who need you more than anything else in this world.

It’s normal for you to feel lost at sea the second time around as well. It gets easier and there will be rainbows again soon. But in the mean time, ask your Mum or friend or GP for a life jacket.

What I have learnt over the years, is that people actually really love being asked to help, especially if you ask them directly. Let them be a life guard for a day. It’ll make them feel like a bit of a hero.

And Mumma. It’s alright to be rescued every so often.

Love Alana xx

P.S I just wanted to say a quick thank you for all the love and support surrounding the release of My Strong Little Body. We’re just 1 month in and the feedback has been so heartwarming. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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A rainbow and blue-sky kind of day